Toddler Years · Tantrums
Big feelings, little person.
Tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Here's why they happen, how to stay steady when they do, and how to help her find her words.
Five minutes ago she was singing to her stuffed bunny. Now she's face down on the kitchen floor because the banana broke in half. You take a breath, kneel beside her, and wait. A little later she crawls into your lap, sniffling, and rests her head on your shoulder. The storm passed, and you were her safe place through all of it.
If tantrums are part of your days right now, you're in very good company. The American Academy of Pediatrics calls them a normal part of development. Underneath every meltdown is a little person with huge feelings and a growing will of her own, and that's something to celebrate, even on the hard days.
Why the storms happen
According to the AAP, most tantrums happen between ages 1 and 3, and they tend to ease after age 3. Cleveland Clinic explains why: toddlers often can't yet put their thoughts and feelings into words, and they haven't built the skills to cope with frustration and disappointment. She wants to do things on her own, and she still needs you. That's a lot to hold.
Some moments make a tantrum more likely. Being tired, hungry or unwell, a toy that's too hard, or a big change in her day can all shorten her fuse. Mayo Clinic puts it kindly: young children don't plan to upset or embarrass their parents.
Stay calm, stay close
Your calm is the most powerful thing in the room. Mayo Clinic notes that shouting tends to make things worse and can teach her to copy the very behavior you're hoping to calm. Speak softly and keep your words few.
- Redirect early. A new room, a different toy, a song or a funny face can turn things around before the storm builds.
- Stay with her. If she's upset but safe, sit nearby and model calm.
- Hold the line, gently. Cleveland Clinic advises not giving in to a tantrum. You can be loving and firm at the same time.
- Take your own break. The AAP reminds parents you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Stepping away for a moment, when she's safe, is good parenting.
Keep her safe, every time
Most tantrums can simply run their course. But if she's hitting, kicking or in danger, step in right away. Mayo Clinic advises calmly holding her until she settles. If she could run into the street, the AAP says to hold her tightly. Hitting, biting and throwing are never okay, so stop them and move her out of the situation, gently and firmly.
Help her name the feeling
Once the storm passes, comfort comes first. Then you can help her find words for what happened. "You were so frustrated when the banana broke." Cleveland Clinic suggests acknowledging her feelings and helping her name her emotions, which builds the words she'll use next time instead of the floor.
Cleveland Clinic also encourages modeling healthy ways to cope. Try naming your own feelings out loud and simply: "I'm feeling frustrated, so I'm going to take a deep breath." She's watching, and she's learning.
Set her up for good days
You can't prevent every tantrum, but you can make them less frequent.
- Protect sleep and meals. Mayo Clinic recommends a steady daily routine for sleep and eating. The AAP suggests bringing a snack and putting naps first.
- Plan errands wisely. Go when she's unlikely to be hungry or tired, and pack a small toy for waiting.
- Offer two good choices. "The red shirt or the blue shirt?" Picking between options you're happy with gives her a little control.
- Give a heads up. Cleveland Clinic suggests warning her before transitions, like "Two more slides, then we're going home."
- Choose your battles. The AAP encourages being consistent and knowing her limits.
Catch her being good
The AAP says the most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention. Notice the good moments out loud: "You waited so patiently!" Mayo Clinic encourages telling her you're proud of her good choices. The more she gets your warm attention for the good stuff, the less she needs a meltdown to get it.
The AAP advises that parents and caregivers should not spank or hit children, and notes that yelling or using words to shame a child is also ineffective and harmful. Calm, consistent limits and lots of love work better.
When to talk with her doctor
Her pediatrician is always glad to talk about tantrums. Mayo Clinic and Cleveland Clinic suggest checking in if:
- Tantrums get worse after age 4.
- She hurts herself or others, or damages things, during tantrums.
- She holds her breath to the point of fainting.
- Tantrums last longer than 15 minutes, or happen several times a day.
- She also has headaches, stomachaches or anxiety.
- You're unsure how to handle them safely, or you're simply worried.
The person underneath
These stormy months are her learning how to be a person: how to want things, wait for things and feel things all the way through. Every time you stay close, she learns that big feelings are safe with you. That lesson lasts a lifetime.
Deep breath, Mama. The storm always passes, and she'll always find her way back to your arms.
Where this comes from
This article draws on guidance from the American Academy of Pediatrics. It's here to help, not to replace your own doctor, midwife or pediatrician. If you have questions, ask them.
- Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums, American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org)
- What's the Best Way to Discipline My Child?, American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org)
- Temper tantrums in toddlers: How to keep the peace, Mayo Clinic
- Temper Tantrums, Cleveland Clinic